Sir Spam-A-Lot

I get a lot of unsolicited internet web e-mail. No, I mean a lot. Who knew that signing up for a free trial at www.sluts-r-us.com in 1996 would come back to haunt me? (I never did get back my $8.75, by the by.) Fortunately, the kindly web bots who deliver my highly personalized — and highly useful — targeted advertising, also deliver high comedy. The only thing I love more than direct marketing, is direct marketing signed by random word generators that create fantastic aliases for me to chuckle at daily. Here, I've complied a few of the best:

Pulitzer G. Crestfallen
Bradbury F. Gristliest
Hastiest Q. Middleton
Courtesan H. Jiffy
Sherwder H. Copehagen
Waterfront U. Adonises
Gearbox V. Cowlick

... and my personal favorite: Incisively I. Peruvian. Imagine sipping a martini at the St. Regis, chatting up some long-limbed Lithuanian lass, when the concierge scoots over to hand you a telegram ...

"Excuse me, Mr. Peruvian"

"Please ... you can call me Incy."

"Mr. Crestfallen is running late."

"Verily. Another martini for the lady."

Yeah, that's sounds right.