The Precog Blog

Not Convinced

2007-09-23T23:10:00.000-04:00

Michigan St. 31, Notre Dame 14

It's nice and all, but ... come on. Get back to me eight weeks.

756*

2007-08-08T01:40:00.000-04:00

*Fuck all y'all.

On May 9, Dave Roberts hit a home run in the New York Giants' 5-3 loss to the New York Mets, but according to the AP he "noted afterward that he was heavily medicated"

Two days ago, Scott Rolen hit a 3-run homer against the San Diego Padres causing ESPN's play-by-play announcer to remark something to the effect, "He sure has come around since getting that cortisone shot."

Sandy Koufax needed cortisone shots before just about every start in order to lift his arm. Years ago, Greg Maddux had laser eye surgery to correct his vision and eliminate the need to wear contact lenses. Tommy John's career was saved by an experimental surgical procedure that now bears his name. During the 2004 ALCS Curt Schilling had surgery on his ankle, not to repair to its normal condition, but simply to allow him to stand on it long enough to pitch one game. Wade Boggs ate fried chicken before every game.

All of these players—and many, many others—have used similar medical procedures and pharmaceutical solutions to alter their bodies in a way not necessarily intended by nature. Barry Bonds probably used some sort of drug or chemicals that allowed him gain and lift weights with greater efficiency. My question is: how is that different than anything any other athlete has done to "improve" their body and by extension, their performance?

Steroids don't make you stronger. Lifting weights does. They also don't make you lay off a 3-2 curve on the outside corner. You still have to do the work. Yes, he changed his body chemically. So do dozens of other players every single day, from something as simple as cold medicine to as things harsh as cocaine. So why are steroids so bad? Because they are illegal? Why are they illegal? Because some government bureaucrat said so? Because they're dangerous? So is smoking. Bonds probably put some questionable substances in his body, but how far removed are they from the supplements you can buy off the shelf in any GNC? Why should Creatine be a crime and Sudafed isn't?

Is he a cheater? How? It's not clear that he ever broke a standing rule of baseball and even if he did, how you do break a rule that was not monitored and never enforced?

You know who did break rules that were enforced? Sammy Sosa, Norm Cash, Gaylord Perry, maybe 1,000 other players throughout the history of the game. None of their of accomplishments have ever been erased or declared invalid.

(You know else cheated? The two newspaper writers who ignored one of the most important principles of jurisprudence to bring us this all-important information about Barry Bonds. But all they did was cheat the legal system, not something important like a game.)

Baseball is more obsessed with standards than any other sport, yet the game itself is less standardized than almost any game ever played. The field changes every time you change opponents. The equipment changes with every batter. The strike zone changes with each umpire. The pitcher's mound has changed height. The balls vary, the bats vary, the gloves vary. The season is longer, the leagues are bigger. You don't even have to play the whole game for it to count! No, Bonds' home runs are not the same as Aaron's, which were not the same as Ruth's. But they still happened. Statistics are simply a record of what happened on the field and, like it or not, those 756 pitches were hit over the fence. Nothing will ever change that.

Which brings me to the only part of this whole ordeal that actually upsets me. Bud Selig—the commissioner of baseball for a healthy chunk of Bonds career—has behaved rather despicably. His lack of enthusiasm—no, his outright contempt—for this moment has sent a message to the sports world: Bonds' accomplishment is not special. The last 20 years of this game are not as special as the 100 that preceded them. My entire reign as commissioner is illegitimate.

Because that's what we're saying here, correct? Bonds has never been suspended, never been punished, never been accused in black and white terms of breaking the rules of baseball. But if you believe that his record is illegitimate, then you must as a matter of course, believe that baseball itself is illegitimate. If his stats don't count in your mind, then no one's should. If you want to call 1990-2005, the "Steroid Era" as if it were the "Dead Ball Era" or the "Pre-Jackie Robinson Era" or the "Expansion Era," that's fine (misguided and stupid, but fine), but for the commissioner himself to take the stance that he has, is an affront to the game ... his game. The one he was in charge of. The last 20 years didn't count, because some guys were doing something different than others? Bullshit. But if Bud wants people to believe that, then he and Curt Schilling and Dale Murphy and every other player who could have spoken up and didn't are the ones who have truly cheapened the sport.

The truth is that many fans, for whatever irrelevant reason never liked Barry Bonds, never wanted to admit he was the best player in baseball, and now they've been handed an excuse for their hatred. He's the greatest hitter of my lifetime and if I live another 50 years, I may never see his equal. You don't have to like him, but if you can't appreciate him and what he's done, that's your own damn fault. I'm glad I got to see him in action.

Transformers

2007-05-08T22:53:00.000-04:00

Let's break down the experience of watching a trailer for a Michael Bay film. In this instance, we will use the upcoming Transformers movie as our example, but anything directed or produced by Michael Bay will give you the same results.

The trailer begins with a dramatic opening shot, usually from outer space. About 10-15 seconds into it, you realize what movie is being advertised and then you remember that it's directed by Michael Bay. You immediately decide that you will not see this film.

As the ad unfolds, however, you start to become intrigued. Some of the visuals are quite compelling. Sweeping panoramas, shadowy figures concealed by darkness. The editing of the trailer is, of course, fantastic; revealing just enough to pique your interest, but not enough to give away the farm. If you want to see it all, you will have to pay admission.

With no annoying voiceover, very little dialogue, and absolutely no plot exposition, you become a little stumped as to how the film will unfold. This is good cinema. Pull the audience in, keep them guessing, zig when they expect a zag. A key dramatic moment, is almost, but not totally exposed. As the final moments wind down, you actually think to yourself, "Wow, this looks like it could be pretty good."

Then the title card comes up, followed by four magic words that immediately invalidate everything that has just happened and painfully snap you back to the reality of the situation.

"A Michael Bay Film."

You have just been reminded that no matter how much you enjoyed the previous two minutes of your life, no matter how daring and creative it may have seemed, no matter badly you would like to watch a childhood fantasy play out in all its live action splendor, there is no conceivable way within this dimension of space-time we are currently inhabiting that this film will be anything other than a clichéd, overwrought, and offensively pro-American pile of steaming, rancid, fly-bespeckled horseshit.

It will look fantastic. You may even find yourself slightly entertained at some points. But it will not be good. It is simply not possible.

Michael Bay has directed six feature length movies. All (but one) have been wildly successful at the box office. All (including that one) have been horrible. Talented actors, powerful storylines, incredible production values, and a few clever ideas, but not one decent movie to show for it.

His trailers, on the other hand, are phenomenal. Best in the business. And why not? As Roger Ebert said, Armageddon was the world's "first 150-minute trailer." The problem is that sooner or later, you have to actually show the robot. That's when everything goes to hell.

One other thing: as a kid I loved Transformers toys. I still have my Optimus Prime and the box he came in. Also, when I was 10 years old I would watch literally anything as long as it was on television. I was not picky. But even I thought the Transformers cartoon sucked. So if you take a bad TV show, add Michael Bay and $300 million dollars of CGI effects—oh, and bastardize the original visual aesthetic of the toys themselves—then it's obvious you're just hurting me on purpose.

I would love for this movie to be good. Everything I've seen so far, leads me to believe that it will be. Except for those four little inescapable words ....

"A Michael Bay Film"

Rating: Two thumbs down. So close, yet so far. The story of his whole career.

2007-05-07T23:38:00.000-04:00

If all the money and manpower that Hollywood expends on movies and television shows about imaginary nuclear terrorism was redirected to fight actual nuclear terrorism, it's safe to say there wouldn't be a drop of loose uranium anywhere on the planet. I know I'd certainly sleep a lot better.

Rating: 1 star. But no ... by all means, keep scaring us shitless/boring us to tears with your inane, unimaginative Nicholas Cage vehicles. Atomic annihilation is fun!

Spider-Man 3

2007-05-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

Reasons why Spider-Man 3 will not be good.

1) Too many villains. The Bane of all bad superhero movies (and a few of the good ones.) Have you seen the Batman franchise? If your villain can't support a movie by himself, find a new villian.

2) One of those villains is played by Topher Grace. Just because you screwed up by not picking him to play your lead seven years ago, don't compound your mistake by miscasting him in this one.

3) One of those villains is made out of sand. Batman has gone ten deep already and Clayface is still on the bench. What does that tell you?

4) It took me a long time to figure out why bloggers kept calling Kirsten Dunst "Snaggletooth." Then I realized that she has a snaggletooth. Now I can't look at her without thinking about it. Oh, and the "Go get 'em, Tiger" was just awful.

5) This picture right here.

See, the reflection symbolizes the character's inner conflict. I know this because I took the same film classes at Michigan State that Sam Raimi did.

6) The lead character is basically a fucking cartoon. What hath CGI wrought?

Rating: 6.4 It won't be awful ... but it won't be great either. Even though it could have been. Which is the real shame

Not Again.

2007-04-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I spent an unhealthy amount of money to renew my season football tickets to Michigan State, even though I don't live in Michigan anymore, didn't go to a single game last year and probably won't this year. At some point in 2005, I declared that the program was dead to me—at least until John L. Smith was gone, and that even after that, they would have to earn me back. (To claify: I did not leave them for another team. I simply refused to give them any more of my sweat and tears.)

Well, Smith is gone and there's a new coach. But I don't know if I can go through this again.

Hope is a dangerous thing. Especially at $46 a seat.

Marv Marinovich: Still A Jerk

2007-04-09T21:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm not planning to turn this into a sports blog, but this story about Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher from Creighton University, reminded me of something I was thinking about a few weeks ago. Specifically, it reminded me about Drew Neitzel, the point guard for Michigan State who is also ambidextrous. (He actually shoots layups with one hand, and jump shots with the other.)

See the thing is, he's not naturally ambidextrous—he was made that way. Drew's father is a high school basketball coach who forced (his words) his son, at a very young age, to eat and brush his teeth with his left hand so that he would become equally strong with both. It worked. Drew is now the starting point guard for a Division I program, and has a better than average shot at playing in the NBA someday. But what if it hadn't?

I know the story above, because TV announcers loved to tell it and it was repeated during almost every single game that State played this year. It gets mentioned as part of the feel-good human interest backstory on a unique player, and often gets a few chuckles.

However, if Drew were not the starting point guard for a Division I program, and was instead, say .... an alcoholic truck driver or a serial killer, that exact same story would be used to illustrate what a heartless bastard Mr. Neitzel was. A cruel taskmaster who pushed his own son to unreasonable limits, all in the fruitless effort to vicariously achieve the athletic glory that he had been denied in his own youth.

Sports parents are menace on society, but as long as their relentless, overbearing attitude results in an All-American child, then no harm, no foul, I guess.

The Curse Of The U-Haul

2007-04-08T16:13:00.000-04:00

See if you can detect a pattern here ...

January 1999: I move from Michigan to New York City.

March 1999: The Michigan State basketball team reaches its first Final Four in 20 years.

October 1999: The New York Mets lose Game 6 of NLCS.

March 2000: I leave New York and eventually settle in the San Francisco Bay Area.

October 2000: The New York Mets reach the World Series, and lose to the crosstown Yankees.

January 2001: The New York Giants lose Super Bowl XXXV.

February 2002: I leave the SF Bay Area and return to Michigan.

October 2002: The San Francisco Giants lose the World Series in 7 games, to another California team, the Anaheim Angels.

January 2003: The Oakland Raiders lose Super Bowl XXXVII.

September 2006: I move from Michigan to New York City for the second time.

October 2006: The New York Mets lose Game 7 of the NLCS. Eight days later, the Detroit Tigers lose the World Series.

Do you see what's going on here? Whenever I move from one state to another, the sports teams that I leave behind have an uncanny ability to ascend to the championship round of their sport. There's only one problem: they never win. They all reached the next final after I left town, but each of them lost and—except for MSU basketball—none of them have returned to claim a championship. Was my presence holding these teams back (I definitely seem to hampering the Mets) or was my absence the reason they couldn't reach the summit? Is it a special brand of jinx, that teases you with unexpected success, only to end in heartbreak? Why can't any of them play this well while I'm living there so I can enjoy it more?

I was beginning to worry that this pattern might repeat itself ad infinitum until ...

YESTERDAY:

Another team I left behind, Michigan State's hockey squad, reached the NCAA championship game. Naturally I predicted a rousing defeat, yet somehow—inexplicably—they won! In spectacular fashion, I might add. Could the curse be broken? Or does it only produce winners in hockey? [see endnote]. Will Michigan-based sports teams continue to thrive this year? Or only to second-place form? (Obviously, the Lions are exempt. Mighty Zeus himself could not undo what Millen hath wrought.)

Anyway, if the city councils of any aspiring sports towns would like to test this theory, first by setting me up for a year or so, then paying me to relocate somewhere far away, I'm entertaining all offers. Unless you are Chicago. All of your teams can continue to suck it ... although watching the Cubs lose a heartbreaking World Series would be endlessly entertaining.

Note #1: There are a few caveats to this phenomenon. The New Jersey Devils won the Stanley Cup in 2000 (the year after I left the New York City metro area) and the Detroit Red Wings won it the year I moved back to Michigan (2002). But even though I like hockey, I've never really followed it that closely, so perhaps that weakens the jinx factor. Also, the New York Yankees did win the Series both the year I lived in and the year I left New York, but I hate them. So my emotional attachment to the teams in question is definitely a factor. As a final example, during my first term in Manhattan, the 8th-seeded New York Knicks made an unbelievable run to the NBA finals, lost, and have since become the laughing stock of the league. However, that was the season that was cut short by a lockout, which led to my vow to never watch an NBA game again. (A promise I've kept, by the way.) Coincidence? Who knows, but all these cases still fit within the overall pattern: bring me to your city, and your teams will do well. Kick me out, and they'll do even better.

Less Than Meets The Eye

2007-04-03T12:01:00.000-04:00

My thoughts after watching the NCAA championship game:

"Man, that Transformers movie is really going to suck."

That is all.

He Was Also "The Tap Dance Kid"

2007-04-02T00:36:00.000-04:00

Whoever tagged this YouTube video has it all wrong. The kid in this commercial is not Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Carlton is the kid from that Michael Jackson commercial. If you were alive in 1984 and can remember just how colossally huge Michael Jackson and everything he touched was, you'll understand the difference.

You know how hard it is to get tickets to see the Arcade Fire play like, a 2,000-seat church or something? And the insane lengths people will go to get inside? Now imagine that they were playing the Pontiac Silverdome, which holds about 80,000 more people ... and you still can't get in. Then multiply that hype by about a billion and you have the Victory tour. Can you name one person anywhere on the planet today who could get away with wearing one white glove everywhere they went? Not only could MJ do it, he made it cool for other people to do it. That's big.

It probably all seems pretty ridiculous after you watch this video, but believe me when I say that at the time, you could not have been any cooler than the kids in this commercial. A "ghetto blaster," a red leather jacket, and one white glove?! Alfonso Ribeiro was the balls.

Are We Done Yet?

2007-03-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

Just so we're clear ... this guy ...

... and this guy ...

... are the same person.

Rating: 1 star. That's quite a career trajectory, if you ask us.

Is There An Award For Being Wrong?

2007-03-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Hoo boy ... I didn't do so hot on these. Again, to be fair, out of all the nominated movies in all the categories put together, I saw exactly two. That's not an excuse just an explanation. But it did make me curious enough to go back and check my performance in prior years. Most prognosticators forget that they even made predictions about two seconds after they are proved wrong. Not me! I stand by my ineptitude.

There are 24 awards given out each year. Below are the number of my predictions that were correct.

2005: 11 (45%)

2006: 14 (58%)

2007: 7 (29%)

Tidbits:

I have gotten Best Actress and Best Actor correct all three years. (Immutable Law #1 never fails.)

I have never gotten Costume Direction or Animated Short Film correct.

I got Best Picture wrong all three years.

What does all this mean? It's proof that any way you slice it, Paul Haggis films are wildly overrated.

Statue Of Limitations

2007-02-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

It's time (just barely; the show starts in like an hour) for my Third Annual Guaranteed 100% Accurate* Academy Awards Pre-Vision. You should know that I went to fewer movies in 2006 than in any year since I got my driver's licence. It's really ridiculous how uneducated I am about last year's cinema. Out of all the movies nominated for a major award (Acting, Screenplay, Directing or Best Picture) I saw exactly one. The Departed. That's it. Fortunately, I think this puts me at an advantage since I'm completely impartial and won't be swayed by silly notions like "quality" and "talent." Knowing which movie actually deserves the award can only hurt you in this game.

We begin as always with Best Actor, determined as always by Immutable Oscar Law #1: Famous, British, or Gimp (Or Gay). This year, the law presents an interesting challenge. First, of all how the hell did Ryan Gosling get nominated? No. I believe DiCaprio plays his character with a thick accent, possibly South African, which in the movie world is almost British, but for our purposes does not count. No. (More on him later.) Will Smith played a real person, but not a famous real person, and the movie version is probably mostly fabricated. No.

Which brings us to a fascinating duel between Peter O'Toole and Forest Whitaker. Peter is the most British of all actors. This is his EIGHTH nomination, all in the leading category, yet he has no wins. (He actually already has a lifetime achievement Oscar, but no real ones.) Academy voters love nothing more than to reward a criminally overlooked personality by handing him a statue for a lame performance well past his prime. It should be his to win, but ... Whitaker played a famous, crazy (= gimp) person and his movie has the word "Scotland" right in the damn title. Plus, it sounds weird, but I actually had to look up Forest Whitaker's bio to make sure that he wasn't, in fact, born in England. (He was pretty convincing in "The Crying Game.") He's an odd enough dude that even if he's not British, a few people might believe that he is and vote for him. So while I'm tempted give the nod to O'Toole, and would like to see him win, I must abide by The Law.

BEST ACTOR, LEAD:

Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

BEST ACTRESS, LEAD:

Helen Mirren, The Queen

Judi Dench, again? What the fuck? That's six nominations for her in the last ten years. Meryl Streep: FOURTEEN for her career. (Only one win.) We get it, okay? They're very good at what they do. Can we stop with the tributes already? They're not going to win again, unless they do something really, really, really good, so stop nominating them. Please.

Kate Winslet, on the other hand? This hurts me, because I love me some Kate Winslet, but this is her fifth nomination and once again she has no shot to win. She's the best in the business under 40 and I just know that 10 years from now, she's going to have another five or six nominations and no wins. Same for Leonardo DiCaprio, who even I, for some reason, don't take very seriously, yet is always good in everything he does. It's almost like people assume that they've already won, so they never bother to vote for them. And neither one has ever had a truly kick-ass character to play. Becoming famous for Titanic didn't help either. They're both great, but they will never win Oscars until they're old and sad and playing cheap Lifetime Original Movies, and the Academy throws them a Scent of a Woman-like bone. Believe it.

BEST ACTOR, SUPPORTING:

Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Just a gut feeling. And it is the best he's ever been. It might have gone to Eddie Murphy, in a pseudo-lifetime achievement vote, if Norbit wasn't currently in theaters.

BEST ACTRESS, SUPPORTING:

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Usually Supporting Actress is the toughest call, but she's a mortal lock. Did I mention that I've seen none of these movies?

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM:

Cars

If it's Monster House, I'm going to hurt somebody.

ART DIRECTION:

Pan's Labyrinth

CINEMATOGRAPHY:

Children of Men

I just read the book, The Children of Men. (Didn't see the movie.) Kinda disappointing.

COSTUME DESIGN:

The Devils Wears Prada

Little known movie secret: Actual costume designers consider period pieces to be easy. It's dressing people in modern-day clothes (and making it believable) that is hard.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:

Iraq In Fragments

This is a tough one. Do the Liberal Hollywood Elites push their global warming agenda, their anti-Christian agenda, or their pro-terrorist agenda? When in doubt, go with the war.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT:

Two Hands

FILM EDITING:

United 93

It has to win something. (P.S. I will never watch this movie. Ever.)

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:

Pan's Labyrinth

Although, you should look up the "making of" story behind Water. It's pretty incredible.

MAKEUP:

Pan's Labyrinth

This one's a close call though. Apocalypto and Click were both worthy nominees.

Wait a second ...

That shitty Adam Sandler movie that was a remake of 16 other films and three episodes of Amazing Stories got nominated for an Academy Award? For makeup? Geezus.

ORIGINAL SCORE:

Pan's Labyrinth

One of these Pan's Labyrinth picks has to be right.

ORIGINAL SONG:

"Love You I Do," Dreamgirls

I've got a one-in-three chance on the Dreamgirls songs here. This sounds like a winner.

ANIMATED SHORT FILM:

No Time For Nuts

I'm guessing this is about a squirrel?

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM:

West Bank Story

I could have actually seen all the short films in a theater this weekend, but I chose not too. Sometimes New York is too interesting for it's own good.

SOUND EDITING:

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Don't forget; this is a sequel to a movie based on an amusement park ride.

SOUND MIXING:

Flags of Our Fathers

War movies do well in this category, because of all the whizzing bullets. (I'm just talking out of my ass now.)

VISUAL EFFECTS:

Superman Returns

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:

The Departed

Infernal Affairs was better. Seriously, rent it. I don't care if it's in Chinese.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:

The Queen

Finally, the big two ...

Martin Scorsese will not win Best Director. The early consensus was that he was a lock. It was starting to become a running joke that one of the top two or three directors of the last forty years had no Oscars on his shelf. The Departed got good early returns; he was in. But then there seemed to be a backlash. The Departed was good, but not amazing. Why should he get an award just because he's Martin Scorsese. Yeah, he should have won for Goodfellas, but that was 20 years ago and he's been phoning it in ever since. So what to do if you're a voter? Throw him a bone? Or thinking that everyone else is throwing him a bone, feel free to vote for the one you like? I just don't see him winning. Not this time, not for this.

But mostly, it's because I don't want him to win. It was a remake (which he's never done before), the original was better, but most all ... the reason he won't get and doesn't deserve an Oscar ... that fucking rat. The final shot of The Departed was a ham-fisted cliche not worthy of a community college film student. After all he's done, after all this time, to give him an Oscar for that would be an insult not just to the award, but to his entire career. You're better than that, Marty. You know you are.

BEST DIRECTOR:

Letters From Iwo Jima

BEST PICTURE:

Letters From Iwo Jima

Clint can be a bit hacky too, but this has to be better than Million Dollar Baby.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

2007-02-15T01:27:00.000-05:00

So after finishing my work for the day and closing out a project I have been working on for a few weeks, I was feeling pretty good about myself last evening. I was debating whether to leave the house in the snow and wind or just stay inside and get some rest, when I realized that I live New York City and I came here specifically so that I would have a reason to get out of the house. So I got dressed and went all the way to the far side of Manhattan to catch last night's Valentine's Day Rejection Show.

I arrived half an hour early and the stand-by line was already 20 people deep. Why anyone waits in line for anything in this city is beyond me, but there was a line for a sold out comedy show on a Wednesday night in below freezing temperatures. I would not wait in that line, which meant I would not be getting in.

I got Rejected. By the Rejection Show. On Valentine's Day.

And even though I personally know four people on the bill, I don't have any of their phone numbers, which is good because even if I had called them they probably could not or would not have pulled strings for me because I don't have any real connections and wouldn't know how to use them if I did.

So I went to Burritoville alone and now I'm back home blogging about it. I know that sounds really depressing, but it was actually not that bad.

I had the white chicken chili burrito and it was really tasty.

Classy

2007-02-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

Right now, CNN has a photo of a dead woman on its front page. You can't see her face, but she's just been murdered in a mall in Salt Lake City. No, she's not a celebrity and no they didn't pay $500,000 for the shot, but isn't this as equally crass, tasteless and exploitative as anything Entertainment Tonight, the New York Post or hell ... CNN has ever done? I used to really respect CNN, but they've become no better than the most sensationalist tabloid. I think maybe it's time I got rid of their bookmark and just ignored them altogether.

I Guess Now I Have To Worry About Tuesday

2007-02-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

How long must we lament for the poor departed Fab Five? Will we have to be subjected to stories like this every two to three years, and from the likes of Larry Lage, who should know better? (I happen to know that he went to Michigan State when those guys were at Michigan.)

The Fab Five are, of course, Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, Jimmy King and Ray Jackson, five players who as freshmen and sophomores started in two national championship games. After the last two players graduated, the school was put on probation (mostly because of Webber), most of their wins were stricken from the record books, and the banners from those two championship games had to be taken down. Now we're supposed to feel sorry for them, because even though they cheated, they Changed College Basketball. Yeah, they changed it all right. They made it worse. Much, much worse.

Every so often we get one of these articles that goes on about the Fab Five and their "swagger" and "attitude" and "brash style of play not seen before," provided you never witnessed a UNLV game. Also, they wore big, baggy shorts and black socks with black sneakers and liked to push each other around when they did good things. This is all true and it's also true that an entire generation of basketball players grew up trying to emulate them and their style, and their legacy lives on today in the players who watched them as young kids and now play alongside them in the NBA, and hope to be like them in college. That is why basketball has never been less interesting.

You see, the thing that never gets mentioned after the word "swagger" is that they never backed it up. Sure, they won quite a few games those first two years, and yes, they had two great runs to the national championship game ... but they lost them both. They got blown out by Duke and choked away a game that they could have won against North Carolina. (Although Carolina was clearly the better team.) Also never mentioned: Those five players won zero Big Ten titles. But they looked good in the shorts.

The legacy of the Fab Five is that they—and all the Albom-esque sycophants who can't shut up about them—put style before substance. In this instance, substance equals wins, of which they have no significant ones. In fact, they barely have any wins at all anymore, because of the aforementioned probation. Yes, they were flashy, but what good did that do Michigan besides sell a few jerseys? There are no trophies in Crisler Arena with their name on them and the program has been in shambles for years, again, partly because of the probation.

Yet, over ten years later they're still the most talked about college basketball team ever. Does that make any sense? Of course it does, because that's the culture of basketball that they helped create. Looking good is more important than being good. That's the legacy of the Fab Five and that in a nutshell is everything that's wrong with basketball—college and pro—today.

But don't mind me, I'm just a disgusted "purist" who stupidly prefers wins to trash talk and alley-oops, and who can't understand how painful it is that Webber can't visit his old school. Who thinks that maybe instead of crying on Chris Webber's behalf, it would be nice to see a reporter take him to task for his actions. Who would like to meet a Michigan fan, any Michigan fan, who is disappointed in Webber and his teammates and who is actually angry at the unfulfilled promise of a team that had five freshman good enough to start in a national championship game and then watched them all leave school with nothing to show for it. That person might actually be glad he's not allowed on campus.

And maybe in a couple a years, if Larry Lage isn't too busy, he can find time to write a few words about another team that won four Big Ten championships in four years, went to three consecutive Final Fours instead of just two, and actually won one of them! Imagine that! And they didn't even have to cheat to do it. I know, I know ... pretty boring, right?

Obviously The Good People Of Boston Do Not Read This Site

2007-01-31T19:17:00.000-05:00

Seriously, who would look at that and think it was a bomb? I know their race is hundreds of years beyond ours, but come on.

Thank goodness the terrorists haven't acquired the Quad Laser technology. Yet.

I Hope You Can Read This Because I'm Doing It As Hard As I Can

2007-01-09T17:10:00.001-05:00

This blog isn't dead (yet) and neither am I, but I am taking a bit of a break. This pesky little thing called my life is really getting on my nerves and we're going to have a sit-down soon and iron a few things out. If that doesn't work, we may have to call in a union negotiator, but that just makes things messy. Let's hope it doesn't come that.

In the meantime, watch this. It's funnier than anything I've ever written here.

Bytheby, I chose the tie on the left. The middle was a little too "power lunch" for a family wedding. Although, I did almost wear the blue one just to spite you all.

Dress Me Up

2006-12-29T01:50:00.000-05:00

I have to go to a wedding this weekend and I can't decide which tie to wear. So I'll leave it up you. Tell me which of these three you like the best and you can change the fate of my wardrobe ... forever!

The suit is black and the shirt is white, if that helps. It's in your hands now!

(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea

2006-12-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

Big thanks to Ed and Debbie at Hotel Chelsea Blog for all their help with this week's column. The New Guy may not have shown the proper respect, but I really did learn a lot and they're great tour guides, so check them out.

Also, Ed was hilarious at the WYSYWIG this week, as was Helen (and everybody really.) I realize I committed a bit of a blogger faux pas by attending an event and then failing to write about it, so this is my attempt to make amends. I also learned that I should really try to meet up with Helen and Jon more than once every 14 months. Just a thought.

This Cold Front Just Won't Listen To Reason

2006-12-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

Blizzard threatens to bury Colorado, Plains

Geez, what did Colorado ever do to the blizzard? What do you think it will take to get it to back off?

Nevermind That Shit

2006-12-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

Forget it. This was stupid. You take the closed box. It's not even an interesting problem. Sorry if you wasted any time thinking about it.

Busy Week

2006-12-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

So think about this for awhile and I'll get back to you.

Looky, I'm On The TV Box!

2006-12-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

So the greatest moment of my professional life (next to setting Harlem aflame, of course) happened Friday night. I didn't get to see it live, sadly, but the magic of YouTube has preserved it forever. You see, not only did Fleshbot get mentioned on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but they showed a screen capture of a post that I wrote!

I can now say that my writing has been featured on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and it isn't a bald-faced lie! Check it out.

Although, in retrospect, if I had known it was going to be on national TV I would have written a funnier joke.

You can read these posts in their original context, here and here, but it's Fleshbot, which if you haven't figured it out by now, is extremely not safe for work. The original manatee sketches (with an explanation of what the hell is going on here) can be seen here.

UPDATE: The New York Times is on the case. Without mentioning my stellar contribution, naturally.

Me And Neil

2006-12-08T18:03:00.000-05:00

You know why YouTube is worth $1.65 bill? Because it's the blogger's best friend, that's why. Nothing interesting to say? Just plug in some HTML and bang ... instant post.

Although, I do have to say that this clip pretty much sums up my feelings this afternoon. And by that I mean, my hatred of all people with dark skin led me to write my blog posts today. Sorry.