Sunday, February 25, 2007

Statue Of Limitations

It's time (just barely; the show starts in like an hour) for my Third Annual Guaranteed 100% Accurate* Academy Awards Pre-Vision. You should know that I went to fewer movies in 2006 than in any year since I got my driver's licence. It's really ridiculous how uneducated I am about last year's cinema. Out of all the movies nominated for a major award (Acting, Screenplay, Directing or Best Picture) I saw exactly one. The Departed. That's it. Fortunately, I think this puts me at an advantage since I'm completely impartial and won't be swayed by silly notions like "quality" and "talent." Knowing which movie actually deserves the award can only hurt you in this game.

We begin as always with Best Actor, determined as always by Immutable Oscar Law #1: Famous, British, or Gimp (Or Gay). This year, the law presents an interesting challenge. First, of all how the hell did Ryan Gosling get nominated? No. I believe DiCaprio plays his character with a thick accent, possibly South African, which in the movie world is almost British, but for our purposes does not count. No. (More on him later.) Will Smith played a real person, but not a famous real person, and the movie version is probably mostly fabricated. No.

Which brings us to a fascinating duel between Peter O'Toole and Forest Whitaker. Peter is the most British of all actors. This is his EIGHTH nomination, all in the leading category, yet he has no wins. (He actually already has a lifetime achievement Oscar, but no real ones.) Academy voters love nothing more than to reward a criminally overlooked personality by handing him a statue for a lame performance well past his prime. It should be his to win, but ... Whitaker played a famous, crazy (= gimp) person and his movie has the word "Scotland" right in the damn title. Plus, it sounds weird, but I actually had to look up Forest Whitaker's bio to make sure that he wasn't, in fact, born in England. (He was pretty convincing in "The Crying Game.") He's an odd enough dude that even if he's not British, a few people might believe that he is and vote for him. So while I'm tempted give the nod to O'Toole, and would like to see him win, I must abide by The Law.

Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Helen Mirren, The Queen

Judi Dench, again? What the fuck? That's six nominations for her in the last ten years. Meryl Streep: FOURTEEN for her career. (Only one win.) We get it, okay? They're very good at what they do. Can we stop with the tributes already? They're not going to win again, unless they do something really, really, really good, so stop nominating them. Please.

Kate Winslet, on the other hand? This hurts me, because I love me some Kate Winslet, but this is her fifth nomination and once again she has no shot to win. She's the best in the business under 40 and I just know that 10 years from now, she's going to have another five or six nominations and no wins. Same for Leonardo DiCaprio, who even I, for some reason, don't take very seriously, yet is always good in everything he does. It's almost like people assume that they've already won, so they never bother to vote for them. And neither one has ever had a truly kick-ass character to play. Becoming famous for Titanic didn't help either. They're both great, but they will never win Oscars until they're old and sad and playing cheap Lifetime Original Movies, and the Academy throws them a Scent of a Woman-like bone. Believe it.

Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Just a gut feeling. And it is the best he's ever been. It might have gone to Eddie Murphy, in a pseudo-lifetime achievement vote, if Norbit wasn't currently in theaters.

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Usually Supporting Actress is the toughest call, but she's a mortal lock. Did I mention that I've seen none of these movies?


If it's Monster House, I'm going to hurt somebody.

Pan's Labyrinth

Children of Men

I just read the book, The Children of Men. (Didn't see the movie.) Kinda disappointing.

The Devils Wears Prada

Little known movie secret: Actual costume designers consider period pieces to be easy. It's dressing people in modern-day clothes (and making it believable) that is hard.

Iraq In Fragments

This is a tough one. Do the Liberal Hollywood Elites push their global warming agenda, their anti-Christian agenda, or their pro-terrorist agenda? When in doubt, go with the war.

Two Hands

United 93

It has to win something. (P.S. I will never watch this movie. Ever.)

Pan's Labyrinth

Although, you should look up the "making of" story behind Water. It's pretty incredible.

Pan's Labyrinth

This one's a close call though. Apocalypto and Click were both worthy nominees.







Wait a second ...







That shitty Adam Sandler movie that was a remake of 16 other films and three episodes of Amazing Stories got nominated for an Academy Award? For makeup? Geezus.

Pan's Labyrinth

One of these Pan's Labyrinth picks has to be right.

"Love You I Do," Dreamgirls

I've got a one-in-three chance on the Dreamgirls songs here. This sounds like a winner.

No Time For Nuts

I'm guessing this is about a squirrel?

West Bank Story

I could have actually seen all the short films in a theater this weekend, but I chose not too. Sometimes New York is too interesting for it's own good.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Don't forget; this is a sequel to a movie based on an amusement park ride.

Flags of Our Fathers

War movies do well in this category, because of all the whizzing bullets. (I'm just talking out of my ass now.)

Superman Returns

The Departed

Infernal Affairs was better. Seriously, rent it. I don't care if it's in Chinese.

The Queen

Finally, the big two ...

Martin Scorsese will not win Best Director. The early consensus was that he was a lock. It was starting to become a running joke that one of the top two or three directors of the last forty years had no Oscars on his shelf. The Departed got good early returns; he was in. But then there seemed to be a backlash. The Departed was good, but not amazing. Why should he get an award just because he's Martin Scorsese. Yeah, he should have won for Goodfellas, but that was 20 years ago and he's been phoning it in ever since. So what to do if you're a voter? Throw him a bone? Or thinking that everyone else is throwing him a bone, feel free to vote for the one you like? I just don't see him winning. Not this time, not for this.

But mostly, it's because I don't want him to win. It was a remake (which he's never done before), the original was better, but most all ... the reason he won't get and doesn't deserve an Oscar ... that fucking rat. The final shot of The Departed was a ham-fisted cliche not worthy of a community college film student. After all he's done, after all this time, to give him an Oscar for that would be an insult not just to the award, but to his entire career. You're better than that, Marty. You know you are.

Letters From Iwo Jima

Letters From Iwo Jima

Clint can be a bit hacky too, but this has to be better than Million Dollar Baby.


Anna said...

I think your patent pending system needs some tweaking. ha! :)

2/26/2007 8:27 PM  
Dashiell said...

What are you talking about? I totally nailed Best Art Direction!

2/27/2007 12:16 AM  

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