Story Highlight: CNN.com Is Retarded

Oh, CNN.com! You're incorrigible. Having apparently realized how idiotic and incomprehensible most of their articles are (yes, I know most of them come from the AP, but CNN hosts them) the site is now doing its best to make sure no one ever has to read these articles ever again.

You may have noticed that the top of each page now features a "Story Highlights" box, which summarizes news articles that are already too brief and ill-constructed to contain any actual information. So if a flame-baiting headline gets you to click on a link, but you still aren't convinced that you want to go that extra step and read the goddamn story, you can just skim the bullet points and move on with your day.

I found this feature to be particularly useful when checking out this item: "George Clooney's pig Max dies at age 19". I mean, the headline pretty much sells the whole thing, but at 135 words, the piece itself is a little weighty. Fortunately, some poor bastard who probably wishes he could slough it off on an intern, but actually gets paid minimally to perform this duty, dug into the layered prose and pulled out the vital facts for my convenience. Yes, a human being does this for a living.

By they way, this article was featured in the Top Stories section of the CNN.com home page. That's Top Stories of everything that's happening in the world right now. George Clooney's fucking pig. Humans are so dumb.

(Yes, of course I clicked. It's George Freakin' Clooney.)