Precog June Movie Roundup

I haven't made it to the theater much lately. Fortunately, I'm precognitive, so actually going to the movies is redundant. But it was also the long-neglected original premise of this site, so I thought I'd recap my most recent experiences and give you the heads up on some soon-to-be attractions.

Been There ...

The Da Vinci Code - It was exactly what I thought it would be. Lots and lots of explaining, a little bit of (non-thrilling) action, and needlessly complicated puzzles solved with almost no effort by the hero. Tom Hanks was quite boring, yet somehow gave the movie all its energy. Exactly what a controversial, religiously-themed movie would be like if it was directed by Ron Howard. The only saving grace is that they resisted the standard Hollywood movie temptation to have Tom make out with Amelie. That would have just been awkward. Rating: B-

X-Men 3: The Last Stand - This was also what I expected: i.e., mildly disappointing. Too many characters, not enough time, and a safe, technically proficient but ultimately lifeless outing by Brett Ratner. Exactly what you'd expect a Brian Singer movie to look like if it was directed by the guy who did Rush Hour 2. Rating: 7.2, lowered to 6.1 after seeing this.

Now for some Trailer Madness ...

The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift - When the characters in your movie deliver dialogue that was clearly written for the narrator of the trailer ... "If you ain't in control ... etc." ... it's time for a script doctor. Rating: D-

Monster House - Why is the girl always the brains of the operation? Why can't she ever be the tough, but stupid kid? Let's mix it up a bit. Not only will this suck (the animation stinks and the story is dumb), but what kind of kids movie forces parents to explain to their children what the vulva is? Why don't you do something about that, James Dobson? Rating: One Star

Casino Royale - Good teaser, almost enough to make me consider seeing another James Bond movie. Except that they haven't made a good one since From Russia With Love. Rating: 6.5

Ghost Rider - I hate Nicholas Cage and I'm just not ready, emotionally, to relive this experience. Wait, that's my review for World Trade Center. Actually, it doesn't matter. Rating: C-

Superman Returns - This deserves its own post. I do have issues though. Rating: TK

Garfield 2: A Tail Of Two Kitties - Other than Breckin Meyer, is there a person anywhere on this planet who has ever said the words, "I hope they make another Garfield movie"? Rating: F

A Prairie Home Companion - This will be the best episode of Hee Haw ever. Rating: B+

Cars - This holds no interest for me. However, I found this intriguing ... Pixar has made and released six full-length movies: Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Monsters, Inc., A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles. All of them were huge box office hits, and all were well received critically, too. In other words, they are 6-for-6; a string that Walt Disney himself cannot match. Also, Disney proper hasn't released a good animated movie since Beauty And The Beast (probably the best ever.) The point is that Pixar has saved the studio, they haven't missed yet, and even though I don't want to see Cars, I probably will, and I'll probably like it. Rating: Three Stars